I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
