Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
