Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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