Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
