Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
