you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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