i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
