I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
