she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
