I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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