Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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