The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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