her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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