she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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