It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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