I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
