cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
