I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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