didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
