Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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