I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
