After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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