went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
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You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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