You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
