Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
