I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
