he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
