I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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