and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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