i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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