My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
