So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
