why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
