I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
