I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
