Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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