So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
