I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
