I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
