So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
