def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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