I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
