I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
