well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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