Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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