did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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