i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
