I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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