Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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