I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
