do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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