you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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