Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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