dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
