i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
