im drinking this country out of the recession.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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