He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
