"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
