On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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